The Twelve Days of Clitmas: 2nd Day

Ruth Eliot and Beth Simpson

Look, we can’t deny the Boris-faced, virus-infested elephant in the room that this year hasn’t been great. But in the spirit of holiday cheer, I thought I would offer a bit of light relief from all of that by giving you a carefully crafted selection of holiday gifts. Yes, that’s right, I am joining the canon of Destiny’s Child, The Muppets and carol singers far and wide to give you my take on the Twelve Days of Christmas; the aptly named Twelve Days of Clitmas. For the last few weeks, I have been gathering nuggets of both wisdom and fun from many wonderful people, which I (your true love) will give to you (our Clitbait readers) as festive treats for the next twelve days. From holiday recipes, to wild swimming spots, to tips for a more pleasurable sex life, I hope there will be something in this for everyone! So, get the chestnuts roasting as I pop these gifts under the metaphorical tree and let’s end the year with a smile.

On the second day of Clitmas my true love sent to me… 

Two sexy books: 

For your second gift of Clitmas, spoken word artist, Bee Asha Singh and sex educator, Ruth Eliot kindly offer you two tantalising tales. Bee is co-founder of the Spit it Out Project; an award-winning collective aiming to build connections and provide a platform for discussions about trauma, mental health, sex positivity and healing through connection. Check out her work at spititoutproject.com/bee and on Instagram at tupacahontas. Ruth is an independent trainer and workshop facilitator in the field of sex-positive, pleasure-centred and feminist gender-based violence prevention who founded and runs The Better Sex Workshop Series. Read more about her incredible work at rutheliot.com.

My Secret Garden – Nancy Friday 

“My Secret Garden is a collection of testimonies written by women, to Nancy Friday, detailing their sexual fantasies. These are fantasies that they imagine they would like to happen, and things that they have actually done. They’re all grouped into sections such as “Lesbianism”, “Bestiality” etc. I definitely felt more sexually liberated and aware after reading this book. I realised that a lot of the testimonies given by women were of things I’d also felt but never expressed because I’d been embarrassed. It helped to realise that a lot of other women feel the same way I did. There’s just so many incredibly strange and honest testimonies in there. Definitely a good read for all women and everyone.”

Bee Asha Singh

The Leather Daddy and the Femme – Carol Queen

“In this outrageous, kinky, gender-bending, queer, silly, tender extravaganza, we follow Miranda/Randy, a genderqueer woman who uses her boy persona Randy to score the dreamy leatherdaddies of 90s San Fransisco. Unfortunately for her, most of these gay men turn tail and run when they find she doesn’t have a (biological) cock, but not Jack – supremely sexy Leatherman Jack embraces high femme Miranda, low key butch Miranda, twinky Randy and all the other shades of her kinky, gender fluid self in a budding relationship of ridiculous / absurd / supremely sexy / kinky sex. In amongst the orgies and the gagging and the fisting and the role play, we meet various other characters -working girl Ariel, Miranda’s trans flatmate and ex-girlfriend who “loves assholes- they’re such a leveller – everyone has one”, Demetrius who lived and presented as a straight man till his 40s before discovering he is a “queer leather fag”, the lesbians who believe Miranda’s abandoning the tribe by running with men, the Leathermen who’d be horrified to know Jack and Demetrius were funning with a woman/boy and various others besides. This here is NOT a manual on how to negotiate and practise risk-aware, consensual kinky sex- it includes a catalogue of EXTREMELY unrealistic and unbelievable sexual daliances. BUT it is an erotic novel that is funny, not that earnest, does not depict a rich, white, male Dom inducting an inexperienced, young, pretty, female submissive into the BDSM world (snore) and includes a running commentary on gender politics, queer theory, trans exclusion, kink-shame and relationship anarchy. The dream!”

Header image by the wonderful Beth too!