Dear Past Me, take your time

Dear Past Me, 

You are not the only one who distrusts and resents that part of their body. When you enter a relationship, you will find it impossible to have sex, and you will feel futile and unloveable as a result. That fear, that you may never experience physical connection on the level of others, will feel insurmountable. Why can’t you just do it, enjoy it, and fucking relax, like everyone else?

You don’t yet realise the relationship between sex and the brain. You can’t really articulate in terms other than ‘I don’t work properly’. You don’t yet understand that this alienating, ever-present feeling has a name – one that is medically recognised, and you certainly have no knowledge of other women, and how many feel the same way. 

It will take you longer than you want to make peace with your mind – to stop being so furious about the way it talks to your body. For a long time, you will despise it for making things so difficult. But please, take your time and be kind to yourself. You won’t feel helpless forever.